Cleaning the Closets

Both packing for my recent trip away and realizing that I really needed to take in the waist on my favorite skirt, made me think about my clothes. Again.

It was time to clean out my closets, time to yet again get rid of those things that are too big, things that I never really liked anyway but owned just because they fit, things that I am committed to not ever needing. It was time to get rid of all of those things.

I have cleaned out these closets many times. Each time it is refreshing and renewing. But the interesting thing is that each time I have set aside the time to do this, I have left a few things behind. I have left a few items that I know are too big. I have left a few that I don't really like to wear.

As much as I want to move on and embrace the me of right now, I have held on to some of that old me. There is no doubt that the holding on is fear. I know that I have a fear of putting all that weight back on. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and need those fat clothes.

I've done it before. I've lost 40 or 50 pounds before. And I've put it all back on.

So there is always some fear. If you haven't been through this, I am not quite sure if you can know the instense, consuming fear that comes with seeing that you have put on 8 pounds. That feeling is horrible, even though you know full well why it happened.

You see, I know from experience how easy it is for that 8 to turn into 18, and then when you have put 20 pounds back on it becomes harder and harder to not give up. And then when you really start to give up, you are back where you started.

But this time, that 8 did not turn into 18. It came off. I worked it off. I went back to what I knew I needed to do, and I just got to work. I had to be honest with myself and honest with a few other people. I needed to not pretend it hadn't happened or that I didn't know what to do.

I think that some of those fears will always be there, but they are lessening. My physical being is so changed, so improved, and I am committed to the change in me. It wasn't easy, and it isn't easy. But it is good.

Trust me, sometimes I am able to clean things without thinking so much, but sometimes the extra time it takes to sort and fold is a good time to think about things that can get ignored.

And cleaning the closets is a good thing, thinking deeply or not. There are many things in life to be held on to and cherished. Underwear that doesn't fit just isn't one of those things.