Hard Things

In some ways the last year and all of the changes I have made in my health and fitness have been easier than I thought and it some ways it has all been harder. Right now I am thinking about the harder. It hasn’t been magic and easy. I didn’t find the one spectacular way to suddenly change all of my poor diet and fitness habits. And as wonderful as my CrossFit box is, it has all been very hard. There truly is no easy way about it.

I have worked really hard, harder than I imagined that I would. I have cried, occasionally in a workout, but usually all by myself after I left. There have been so many days were I could hardly do anything all evening because I was so completely exhausted and sore. I have ached and hurt for what seemed like endless days-my knees, my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my everything, just not my fingernails. I had to learn to enjoy the pain that comes with doing weighted lunges and GHD sit-ups.

I have been sick at the thought of going to the box to work out, and then sick to my stomach while waiting for a wod to start. Of course I have been sick to my stomach during and after a wod. But I detest throwing up, so I still haven’t done that. I had to learn to just embrace that nervousness and get to work.

I have wanted to quit so badly that it almost consumed me, as in it was a struggle that I wasn’t sure I could overcome to take one more step or swing that KB one more time. Occasionally I have given in, and then I have felt the regret of quitting when I shouldn’t have. I know there is a time to quit, in order to avoid injury, but I honestly don’t face that decision often. I am faced most often with just wanting to quit because it is so hard-hard to move, hard to breath, hard to not give up. I had to learn to just keep going, long after I thought I couldn’t do anymore.

I have worried myself endlessly about what other people thought of me and what I looked like while working out. I have worked really hard to hide in the corner. I would carefully choose where I would lift or work so I would stay as inconspicuous as possible. I have been so thankful that there are no mirrors, but embarrassed that even though I couldn’t see how silly I looked, other people could. I tried to hide in pictures. I still don’t like the idea of being videotaped, but I’ll adjust. I had to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin, working on whatever I need to work on.

I have left classes feeling totally uncoordinated and disgustingly out of shape. Now I wasn’t happy about being fat and out of shape, but then when I started CF, I had to deal with a whole new side of unhappiness-the total dissatisfaction and frustration of really seeing how bad I had let things get, of being smacked in the face with that every time I worked out. And even with that awful awareness, I had to pick myself up and do it all over again another day.

I have learned many things since starting CrossFit, much more than I ever would have imagined, and I know that I have many hard things still to learn.