Thus more time for reflections on the blog. I will warn you now that this post has great potential to veer into the sappy and far too introspective realm, so read at your own risk...
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As you may remember, I have some very kind and helpful friends, always ready to tell me what I need to hear. Recently one thoughtful friend took a picture of me and sent it over with a note that this was proof that I needed new pants. She was right, but I really, really didn't want to go shopping. I used to like to shop for clothes. Long ago. Not so much anymore.
But I knew I needed to bite the bullet and go shopping for pants, the very worst. As comfortable as they are, there is no way that I could just live in my workout clothes. Things were getting a bit desperate since I have been committed to getting rid of clothes as they get too big (I guess I have been keeping them until "fall right off" big) so that I have no "fat clothes" to fall back on. Part of my commitment to my new healthy life this means that if I put weight back on I will have nothing to wear.
So it was time to go shopping yesterday. At the first store, I just pick up some jeans, figuring it was time to just try almost anything on (still passing over all of the skinny jeans since they will never fit and I will never wear them anyway.) Something amazing happened! They fit! After several stores and lots of options, my mind just wouldn't stop spinning.
I was a full size smaller than I had planned on. You know, not the ooh, I found one skirt in a size smaller experience, but the yep, everything I try on in that smaller size fits experience. That means I am down 6 sizes, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am more than half way through my size losing. Admittedly, I never, ever would have dreamed weighing this much at this size, but I will chalk that up to the muscle that allows me to back squat 218. You got to do what you got to do.
In all of this, my mind raced to two different places. One, the mall is a dangerous place. Goodbye days of shopping at just a handful of stores that carry the big sizes, hello to shopping everywhere. See, that is dangerous! I could have shopped and shopped and shopped yesterday, but I told my sister-in-law that I would babysit, and I have limited funds for clothes that I don't plan on wearing for too terribly long.
Secondly, I realized that the mind is a very funny thing. I know that I have lost weight. I know that I am smaller. I know that I have changed. I am happy about a lot of things from the past year, and there are lots of important numbers: my deadlift, my back squat, my first rx'd wod, my changing measurements, my lower weight, and more. But I am really happy about being the size I am now. Definitely not so happy I want to stay here, but happy that I really seem to have accomplished something.
Why is this such a big deal? I am really kind of puzzled by it. I know I have accomplished things before this. I know this size is not the most important accomplishment. But I know that it means a lot. I think it means so much because it is such a tangible sign that I have entered into something new. I can't shop in the Women's department anymore because everything there really, truly is too big. I can shop in any other store and not buy the largest size on the rack. I can go shopping all.day.long and not run out of options.
I will have to be careful to not spend too much money on clothes...
Let's go shopping!!!
ReplyDelete:) Happy to!
ReplyDeleteCFWSC action wear!! It is all you need.
ReplyDeleteI think that you are confused by how much this accomplishment means to you because it is something you never would have thought you could do. Is it a greater accomplishment than getting your masters or doctorate or getting published. I don't know, although quality of life is really hard to devaluate. What I mean is that you could see yourself being published one day (maybe you are?). Those who know you could see you getting a more advanced degree. These are accomplishments that, while certainly hard and worthwhile, are within prophetic grasp for you and others. Losing the weight and size, gaining the strength and fitness that you have, was never part of that ken. Thus the unequal weighting of this accomplishment in your mind.
Or maybe I have no idea what I am talking about. I am just really proud and stoked to be a small part of your change and continuing progress.
srad
hi leah, i love the news in this post!! also, sam's reply is odd and i think that your accomplishment is very great in that you have reached it in ~1 year (right?) and sometimes the goal of a doctorate takes >9 years and is still not finished. :-p
ReplyDeleteSam, I get it. That is why you are the guru- founder. :) I have made many changes to make all of this a more important part of my life, but I have been giving it unequal comparison to other things I might work very hard at accomplishing. It all still takes me by surprise!
ReplyDelete(And no publications yet but curriculum with my name on it should be out in the next couple of months. :) Then I have to figure out my next project.
Leslie, thank you so much! It has been less than a year and I still have a bit to go. I think Sam is trying to get me to realize that I can see the work and value in an advanced degree, so I need to adjust my thinking and see the value in all of these burpees and runs. :)
And I still can't believe that you started your doctorate right out of jr. high school!! ;)
i should have added a "haha" to the end of my sam-comment, because i would never want to anger/annoy the guru-founder. haha!
ReplyDelete"you know what's gonna keep me warm? that right... those degrees..."
keep it up!