Cleaning the Closets

Both packing for my recent trip away and realizing that I really needed to take in the waist on my favorite skirt, made me think about my clothes. Again.

It was time to clean out my closets, time to yet again get rid of those things that are too big, things that I never really liked anyway but owned just because they fit, things that I am committed to not ever needing. It was time to get rid of all of those things.

I have cleaned out these closets many times. Each time it is refreshing and renewing. But the interesting thing is that each time I have set aside the time to do this, I have left a few things behind. I have left a few items that I know are too big. I have left a few that I don't really like to wear.

As much as I want to move on and embrace the me of right now, I have held on to some of that old me. There is no doubt that the holding on is fear. I know that I have a fear of putting all that weight back on. I am afraid that I will wake up one day and need those fat clothes.

I've done it before. I've lost 40 or 50 pounds before. And I've put it all back on.

So there is always some fear. If you haven't been through this, I am not quite sure if you can know the instense, consuming fear that comes with seeing that you have put on 8 pounds. That feeling is horrible, even though you know full well why it happened.

You see, I know from experience how easy it is for that 8 to turn into 18, and then when you have put 20 pounds back on it becomes harder and harder to not give up. And then when you really start to give up, you are back where you started.

But this time, that 8 did not turn into 18. It came off. I worked it off. I went back to what I knew I needed to do, and I just got to work. I had to be honest with myself and honest with a few other people. I needed to not pretend it hadn't happened or that I didn't know what to do.

I think that some of those fears will always be there, but they are lessening. My physical being is so changed, so improved, and I am committed to the change in me. It wasn't easy, and it isn't easy. But it is good.

Trust me, sometimes I am able to clean things without thinking so much, but sometimes the extra time it takes to sort and fold is a good time to think about things that can get ignored.

And cleaning the closets is a good thing, thinking deeply or not. There are many things in life to be held on to and cherished. Underwear that doesn't fit just isn't one of those things.

Oh, the joys of carb restriction

Just so you know, going back to good old carb restriction is pretty awful. I have gone back to under 60g carbs/day, after letting the carb intake creep up with fruit, sweet potatoes and a cheat here and there (things like Ben and Jerry's ice cream the night I got my 273# back squat. I loved it.) I really thought that it would be simple this time. I wasn't eating bread, pasta, rice... so it would be simple, right?

Well, today I feel like all I want to do is curl up into a ball and not move. I keep gritting my teeth. I have to make conscious effort to relax my jaw. The sound of someone else eating is enough to drive me over the edge. At times, the sound of my own blood pumping through my own head is torturous. Working out this morning took all the energy I had and after I was done I was shaky and dizzy. All I can do is drink water and plaster a smile on my face, hoping that when I wake up tomorrow everything will be all butterflies and roses.

I know this will pass. I know it will.

Thursday's Workout
Back Squat
I messed up the whole scheme, so it didn't work quite like it was supposed to:
203x5
213x5
238x2 then fail...

I was glad Kyle was there to pull the bar off.

WOD
7 rounds
7 DB push press 30#
7 burpees
7 pull ups (green band, deadhang)

Time-12:06

The presses were almost awesome. I looked forward to them in every round because both the burpees and deadhang pull ups were so, um...not awesome. I totally regressed on my burpee form, but for most of the wod, I didn't care.

Saturday's WOD
Snatch
53x2
63x1
73x1
83x2
93 fail, again...

Interval Cindy
2 min on, 30 sec off x5
2+5 pull ups, 10 push ups/2/2/2/2

Honest truth-once I realized that I wasn't going to get 3 rounds, ever, I just paced myself to make sure I got the full 2 rounds each interval. By round 3 I realized that I had to fly through the ring pull ups and squats to allow myself the extra time needed to complete the push ups. But even though they were hard, I felt pretty good about all my real, no knee push ups.

And I would rather do this with the ring pull ups over jumping pull ups any day. I truly, deeply, all the way to the core of my being, dislike jumping pull ups now.

Oh, and I owe great thanks to Golden for all that extra running he did to push me through the warm up run. I know you are too busy to even read blogs anymore, so you won't even see this, but without your help I wouldn't have made it. :) And my sister called me this afternoon to try to talk me into doing the Warrior Dash...agh.

The Russian Squat Cycle

Leah Takes on the Russian Squat Cycle from Jocelyn Forest on Vimeo.

So looking back, I am not 100% sure why I decided to start the squat cycle, except that I like back squats, had the extra time, and was ready for a clear challenge. I knew it would be rough at times, and I knew that I would have to just stick with it and see it through, even if I didn't really want to at times. I squatted 3 times a week for the 6 week cycle. I am know that there are longer and harder squat cycles, but this one was plenty for me. In the end I am very glad I did this, and I am glad it is finished!

The whole cycle was tough at times, and I owe big thanks to my coach Jocelyn Forest (who thought this whole thing up and is amazingly inspiring and supportive, not to mention super patient whenever I was whining or worrying) and to Kyle Haynes (who didn't come up with this idea, but is still inspiring, supportive and patient.)



Now if anyone is just fascinated with this idea, here are some more thoughts on the whole cycle, but I realize that most people won't really care what I thought about during this venture. :)

The first week was tough in that I was nervous and excited about the whole venture. I was excited to have my own dedicated squat program, excited to have such focus, excited to try something like this. I was nervous to squat three times a week, nervous to squat 208 that many times period, and very nervous of failing. And on top of that I got a cold, the first cold in over a year, and I was super bummed about that, and nice and stressed that I was going to start this cycle and then fall behind or mess it all up in the very first week. But I made it. I slept A LOT this week, but figured it was because I was sick. I also had to work hard to eat a fairly normal amount of protein. I realized right away that I had to be very meticulous about my recovery, and I could see that I needed to be more particular about what I had previously thought of as all the little parts of the squat-my hand position on the bar, my approach to the bar, re-racking the bar...

The second week I felt GREAT! I was fully recovered and I now knew I could squat 208# over and over again and still live. My legs did feel really tired and heavy most of the time, but I felt very confident with the squats. I realized that I was still tired and ended up taking naps at least a couple times during the week.

Week three marked the first time I felt like I HAD to not just sit down, but lie down between sets. It was at this point that I realized the value of committing to the 6 week cycle. If I hadn't made this commitment, I would have decided to stop, take a break, or just lift less. I would have told myself that it really didn't matter, so I'd just do less. So much of the cycle really had more to do with my mental state than my physical state. Because I had the time, it wasn't really that hard to ice, foam roll, eat and sleep. It was harder to believe that I could get the work done and sometimes it was very hard to not give up. I certainly do not have a lifetime habit of pushing myself physically, so this was not the norm for me!

Week four was when the cycle changed from various rep schemes at 208 to various rep schemes at increasing weights. I LOVED being able to return to my now safe and happy 208x2x6 following a heavier set. 208 was now my very, very good friend. There were times when it was exhausting to think about a metcon, let alone actually getting it done, and if it hadn't been for a coach pushing me through, I would have skipped out on the metcons this week.

Week five and six were h.a.r.d. I added ice baths to my recovery, moaned a lot, and fretted about every upcoming squat day. I had reached a new level of exhaustedness after my squat days so I started eating sweet potatoes. At this point it was very clear that if I had not had the constant support of Joc, I would not have finished. It was also clear that I really also needed the help of Kyle, as he was my spotter (and supporter) extraordinaire. Week 6, my last lift at 258#, was also my first miss.

When I finally maxed out, I felt ready, both physically and mentally. I love lifting the heavy weights, but I am also happy to see the changes in how I mentally approach the gym and the hard work that often faces me there. I am more and more confident, and there is no doubt that this cycle has a lot to do with that. I hit 273# for my final single. I so appreciated that several people made special effort to cheer me on for that lift-Joc, Kyle, Vero, and Lolo.

Clothes and More Clothes

I decided to clean out my closet again today.

This feels great, every single time. It is wonderful to bag up all of those things that I'll never wear again.

It is also offers a bit of time for reflection.
"Why on earth did I ever buy that? It is horrible!"
"Why did I even keep it this long?"
"How nice must my friends be that they were willing to be seen in public when I wore this!"
"Or maybe they are just a little evil and never told me how hideous these pants really were..."

And then the big question-
"How in the world could I have all these clothes, and yet I never felt like I had anything to wear?!?"

It is utterly ridiculous that I am still getting rid of all these clothes (not to mention shoes...ouch!) Why in the world did I ever buy and then hold onto all of these things?

There is no doubt that part of the answer is that I do just like new clothes. But the other part is that there was an underlying hesitation to ever get rid of much since I might "need" it when I was one of any 5 or more sizes that I intend to never return to. Believe me, I am not talking about just holding onto some things for the "fat days." I still had stuff that literally falls right off of me now. That stuff is gone now. I know that I also held onto clothes because I had such a hard time finding anything to buy in the first place-not many stores, not many options, lots of large, ugly tents in slightly differing cuts...

And on the subject of clothes, my dear sisters and several friends will be happy to find out that my recent purchases have been in the following shades:
peacock blue
eggplant
plum
pink
green
some other shade of purple
and only a little tiny bit in black and brown. :)

Hard Things

In some ways the last year and all of the changes I have made in my health and fitness have been easier than I thought and it some ways it has all been harder. Right now I am thinking about the harder. It hasn’t been magic and easy. I didn’t find the one spectacular way to suddenly change all of my poor diet and fitness habits. And as wonderful as my CrossFit box is, it has all been very hard. There truly is no easy way about it.

I have worked really hard, harder than I imagined that I would. I have cried, occasionally in a workout, but usually all by myself after I left. There have been so many days were I could hardly do anything all evening because I was so completely exhausted and sore. I have ached and hurt for what seemed like endless days-my knees, my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my everything, just not my fingernails. I had to learn to enjoy the pain that comes with doing weighted lunges and GHD sit-ups.

I have been sick at the thought of going to the box to work out, and then sick to my stomach while waiting for a wod to start. Of course I have been sick to my stomach during and after a wod. But I detest throwing up, so I still haven’t done that. I had to learn to just embrace that nervousness and get to work.

I have wanted to quit so badly that it almost consumed me, as in it was a struggle that I wasn’t sure I could overcome to take one more step or swing that KB one more time. Occasionally I have given in, and then I have felt the regret of quitting when I shouldn’t have. I know there is a time to quit, in order to avoid injury, but I honestly don’t face that decision often. I am faced most often with just wanting to quit because it is so hard-hard to move, hard to breath, hard to not give up. I had to learn to just keep going, long after I thought I couldn’t do anymore.

I have worried myself endlessly about what other people thought of me and what I looked like while working out. I have worked really hard to hide in the corner. I would carefully choose where I would lift or work so I would stay as inconspicuous as possible. I have been so thankful that there are no mirrors, but embarrassed that even though I couldn’t see how silly I looked, other people could. I tried to hide in pictures. I still don’t like the idea of being videotaped, but I’ll adjust. I had to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin, working on whatever I need to work on.

I have left classes feeling totally uncoordinated and disgustingly out of shape. Now I wasn’t happy about being fat and out of shape, but then when I started CF, I had to deal with a whole new side of unhappiness-the total dissatisfaction and frustration of really seeing how bad I had let things get, of being smacked in the face with that every time I worked out. And even with that awful awareness, I had to pick myself up and do it all over again another day.

I have learned many things since starting CrossFit, much more than I ever would have imagined, and I know that I have many hard things still to learn.

One Year Anniversary

One year ago I had my first elements class with Jocelyn (and my sister Anna.) In some ways it does not at all seem like it has been that long, but then on the other had so much has changed that it has to have been a long time.

Do you remember back in the day when they used to take class pictures all.the.time? I came in for my elements right after a Saturday morning class, so here is a picture of me that first day-

Having to be in a group picture right off the bat was a little unsettling, but it was good for me. If I was going to do this, then look at that-there I am.

My first elements wod was this-

4 rounds

3 Push Press 33#

6 squats

9 KBS 15#

Time: 3:40

The Impromptu WL Speech

Another Rest Day...

Last night at dinner, someone had the brilliant idea to have each person at dinner give a brief impromptu speech. One person gave a speech, then he picked the next speaker and picked the speaker's topic. When I was picked, I had no idea what topic I would be given...

It was weight lifting. One of the teachers had seen some of my Facebook updates, and wanted to hear more about it. So I talked about why I started, what I was doing, and why I kept doing it. What an easy impromptu! I was so very, very glad that I got to talk about that and not Edgar Allen Poe. I am not a Poe fan.

One of the questions posed to me was about trust. Was it hard to trust the trainers? Did I trust that the trainers would watch out for me and my well-being?

I said yes, I really do, and I gave a quick answer as to why I trust the trainers, but it is now something that I am thinking more deeply about...

CrossFit, the Liberal Arts of Fitness

During my Humane Letters class yesterday, a student piped up with this statement, "Well, we get an education to get a job." The rest of the class audibly gasped and then looked at me for my reaction, while the one poor student realized what they had said.

I did not disappoint! They got a reaction from me. :) I am not in education to create a better work-force for the future. I do not run a trade school. My students know that I do not give them assignments so they can make more money in the future. While jobs, money and trade schools are all important things, as a liberal arts educator, none of those things are the central reason for an education. I believe that well-educated students will be better prepared to specialize and focus their training, but that all comes after a liberal arts foundation.

I teach and study with my students so that we all can be more fully human, more completely the people we are created to be, more wise, more virtuous. Specifically as a grade school teacher, I love education because it is general, it is broad, it is liberal. It is liberal because it is such an integral part of what makes us "free" men, people who have been given all they need to pursue a full and complete life.

And as the dots start connecting in my mind, I realized that this is why CrossFit, and especially CFWSC, is so perfect for me. When I decided that I needed to change my life, there were many factors, but a driving factor and what keeps me going, is the realization that I am not doing all of this to lose weight, to look better, to wear a smaller size...I am eating better and working to build strength and fitness in order to be a more complete person. And that makes the pain from those weighted lunges yesterday worth it.